Loud and Proud

Anyone who knows me knows that I can be…’loud’. I’ve realized that it’s most likely because ADHD makes it hard to regulate my emotions properly, so I can get excited easily, especially when talking about something that interests me. I’m hoping to be able to transfer that energy here writing in this blog!

What I’ve been worried about lately, however, is how I come across to people. This isn’t to say that I am ashamed of how I am, but more that I know that I can probably be a little ‘too much’ for people. Not to mention that, if you mix in some anxiety, I just end up turning into a rambling mess.

Now, I’m not looking for accommodation or anything, because no one owes me anything. I do appreciate and feel grateful for everyone who has helped me through my life, but I don’t feel that anyone should feel bad if they can’t ‘handle’ someone with ADHD. Hell, even if you can, you aren’t obligated to. I am the only one responsible for how I am.

But that means learning to adapt myself to others. I look back now at interactions I’ve had with others in my life and wonder how many people I’ve pushed away without realizing. How many job interviews I’ve botched because of my ‘loudness’ and tendency to ramble. How many people I’ve made uncomfortable.

So what can I do to improve how I interact with people? Slap a sticker on my head that says “Warning: I may blurt out nonsense and/or go on a long tangent completely off-topic from what we were originally discussing. Converse with me at your own risk”? Just isolate myself from everyone so I don’t have to worry? Not give a crap and if you have a problem with me…too bad?

No, that’s not me. As much as I am not ashamed of who I am, I also want to be mindful of my place in society and how my actions affect those around me. This doesn’t mean that I can’t ‘be myself’, but it is an acknowledgement that there is more to ‘being myself’ than being the same way all the time. In this instance, ‘being myself’ is wanting to be at peace with everyone around me, and not just people that can ‘handle’ me.

My goal, then, is to be more aware of how I present myself depending on the social context that I am in. I want to become more aware of when I’m in a situation or interacting with someone that requires me to be a little more…subdued. Granted, that’s not easy when I lose focus so easily, so it’s something that’s going to be a continuous work-in-progress. But I can hope that with practice, I can improve myself in this aspect of my life.